Beauty, Vol. I

I wrote that, about myself, in 2012.  I cringe when I look at it now, because today, though I weigh more than I did on May 25, 2012, I would never, ever say it.  I wouldn't even think it.  I would never dream of saying such an unkind thing about myself.

I've been fat for probably 30 of my 34 years, maybe longer.  Not only was I the fat kid, I was the fat kid with big glasses and a unibrow.  Head cheerleader I was not.  I think the first time I went on a diet, I was twelve, the age my oldest is now.  And for the next almost 20 years, I tried every insane diet that crossed my path.  You wouldn't believe some of the insane things I've done to my body over the years, in a quest to be smaller.  The small amount of calories I've subsisted on.  The bizarre supplements I've taken.  Feeling hungry made me feel strong.  Not eating made me feel self disciplined.  And then dizzy, but self disciplined first.

When I graduated from high school, and moved on to college, my world got infinitely bigger.  Removed from the fishbowl of the small town I grew up in, I found out there were all kinds of people in the world, and the were attracted to all sorts of other people.  I dated a lot.  I met my first real boyfriend during my sophomore year, and my second.  And after that, my ex-husband.  And when I jumped back into dating after our divorce five years later, I hit the ground running.  And three years later, the universe opened and smiled at me, and I met Joe.  But I say all that to say that being fat, at least in my adult life, never stopped male attention.  People think of fat girls as these sad, lonely, dateless creatures, and I am here to tell you, that is a lie.  David's Bridal sells more wedding gowns in size 16 and up than any other sizes.  Fat chicks get married every day of the week.  So, for me at least, it never had anything to do with male attention.  I knew I was cute then, and I know it now.  It was just about the belief that I held that the smaller I was, the more valid my place in the world was.  And that was the lie I couldn't shake.

In 2014, I had a daughter.  Having her forced me to challenge my old ideas in ways I didn't expect.  Because I didn't- and still don't- want any of that body image crap on her.  The thought of her counting calories, and drinking detox tea, and weighing food and starving herself, made me sick to my stomach.  This was not for my girl. She has far too much to offer the world to be worried about that stuff.

But I'm her mom.  So she's watching me.  And if she is seeing me say mean things about my appearance, and go on crazy diets, and talk myself out of buying dresses because they show my arms, or not wearing shorts because they show my legs, or not getting the pool with her, because I refuse to put a swimsuit on, what is she learning? She's learning that unless you are a certain size, you don't deserve to wear certain things, or that its important to put off certain life experiences, until you are an appropriate size to experience them, and people, I refuse. I refuse to allow her to believe that.

Not long after my strong, smart, funny, beautiful daughter was born, I discovered Peggy Carter.  And I get it, she's not real.  She's a fictional character.  But something clicked in me, watching her.  Peggy Carter is gorgeous. I mean, just look at Hayley Atwell.  There's no argument.  But Peggy isn't Peggy because she's pretty.  The best thing about her isn't that she's sexy.  She is genuinely good at her job.  She is talented.  She is smart.  She is self sufficient.  She is capable.  She IS beautiful, but its the least interesting thing about her.

And then one night, we were watching Agent Carter (which I dearly hope gets brought back on Netflix) and she said the words that fully turned the light on in my head.  When asked why she allowed a co-worker to take credit for what she did, Peggy said:

 

 

And friends, as silly as it will undoubtedly sound, my life was forever changed.  I know my value.  Just as I am.  Right now.  Not when I lose 10lbs.  Not when I touch up my roots.  Not at some point in the future, contingent on me being anything other than what I am right now.  As women, we spend so much time apologizing, and trying to take up less space, trying to not bother anyone, or inconvenience anyone.  What if we didn't do that?  What if we knew our value, just as we are?

 

And it became my mission in that moment to let as many people as possible know what their value is, right this very moment.

 

Around the same time that all of this was happening, Tess Holliday really came on the scene after signing with MiLK Management and people went bananas over her.  People either love her (because she hustled crazy hard and achieved her dream + her style is fab + she is always beat to capacity) OR they hate her (because she is SUPER DUPER FAT, does she not know this is unhealthy?!? How dare she wear clothes and take pictures and not constantly apologize for being so fat.)

 

I posted a link about her on my facebook and I feel like the first two comments totally sum up the whole Tess Holliday argument:

 

#1- I honestly had never heard of her until she was on the cover of People magazine this week. SO had though and said the controversy surrounding her weight was that she was promoting that at her stature and nearly 300lbs that she was still healthy, and encouraged others to be "healthy" at that weight. I'm glad that she pursued her dreams and had made something of herself. However, if she is promoting being 5'5 and over 250lbs, I'm not looking for that sort of role model. Like I said though, maybe you can shed some light, I know very little about her.

 

#2- What's astonishing to me is the level of hypocrisy over a model setting a Bad Example and being a Bad Role Model because of her body size. God almighty, since when do FASHION MODELS set the standard of healthy female bodies?! There's precious little outcry over emaciated anorexic models; we take them for granted. Every once in a while (recently, in fact) we get a little uncomfortable with actually being able to count their ribs, and we say, no more superthin models! By which we mean, we'll still reward eating disorders, but try not to look like you're on the edge of actual death. And anorexia and other eating disorders are actually far, far more dangerous than obesity. So we're all fussed about this woman, but the entire fashion industry gets a pass? I call bullshit.

 

 

My feelings on her are basically, not  really that's its a role model thing, more of a situation where she is giving a voice to people who feel like they dont have one. Fat girls gotta wear clothes too.  You still have to be out in the world while you are fat, so you can be slobby and apologetic or look your best, and demand to be treated with respect and dignity. Know your value.

 

 On a basic level, I have to say, I really like her.  I think her face is incredible, her eyebrows are amazing, her hair is amazing, her whole head game is really, really fantastic.  If she was thinner, she'd be commonly accepted as one of the great bombshells of or time.  I love the way she dresses.  She has great style and the clothes she wears are all really cute. And she is the size she is. And that's her choice. 

 

I don't want to vilify losing weight.  There isn't anything wrong with losing weight.  Its wrong to do insane things to your body.  Crash diets and pills and starving yourself isn't honoring your body.  I'm not doing crazy stuff anymore.  Because my daughter is watching me, and she isn't going to learn that lesson.

 

A wise woman named Sarah Koppelkam wrote the following.  It describes perfectly how I'm raising my daughter, and how I am learning to raise myself:

 

"How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one:

 

 Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.

Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.

If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that. Here are some things you can say instead:...

"You look so healthy!" is a great one.

Or how about, "You're looking so strong."

"I can see how happy you are -- you're glowing."

Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.

Don't comment on other women's bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.

Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.

Don't you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don't go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don't say, "I'm not eating carbs right now." Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.

Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that's a good thing sometimes.

Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you'll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn't absolutely in love with.

Prove to your daughter that women don't need men to move their furniture.

Teach your daughter how to cook kale.

Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.

Pass on your own mom's recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.

Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It's easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don't. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.

Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul."



 

Amen and Hallelujah.

 

For me, the next step was makeup.  I'm a mom.  Of three active, wild, wonderful children.  And I work full time.  I'm a wife and a daughter and a sister and a friend.  And my time is not my own.  And I began to see that I was really depleted.  I wasn't doing anything to take care of myself.  Recently, some people I love had weight loss surgery.  You'd probably assume, based on what I've written here, that I was against that choice.  Not so.  I am very in favor of autonomy, and of people making the decision they feel is the right one for them to be their best selves and live their happiest lives.  And because I am a work in progress, I suspected I would be jealous of their weight loss.  It turns out, that it was not the weight loss that sparked jealousy, but rather, the energy they were able to devote to making themselves a priority. Self care is vital to a healthy existence.  You have to find time to care for yourself and replenish yourself.

 

Alicia Keys recently wrote an excellent article   explaining why she will no longer wear makeup.  I think if I was in her shoes, after a decade plus of the world fixating on my appearance, when I had so much else to offer, I would want to forego makeup as well.  I don't blame her a bit. 

 

There is no paparazzi constantly in my face.  Millions don't weigh in, safely hiding behind their computer screen, on what I do or don't look like. Even for me, it isn't about the makeup itself.  I'm not scared to be makeup free:

 

 

 

For me, its the ritual of putting on makeup.  Its the ritual of my time in the morning, of the delicious and feminine pots and powders that I use to celebrate the privilege of being female, in a way that resonates with me.  Its taking the time for myself to put makeup on.  Its my daily reminder that I have value, that I am worth the effort.  I fell in love with makeup.  It speaks my language.  Not because I am trying to cover anything up, but because the thousands of years of talent and innovation, and the love of beauty, and makeup as a form of art and self expression resonates with me. 

 

The best part is, there is no one way to do this.  I'm not wrong, and neither is the talented Ms. Keys. We all get to celebrate in our own way. 

 

I gave up silly diets.  I made a promise to myself to move my body every single day.  I eat mostly things that are good for me, and some things that are not.  I'm a little bit smaller than I was, but who knows what will happen.  I could very well be fat forever.  But I'm done tormenting myself.  What will be, will be.  And I found makeup.  For me, that's self care.  Taking the time to enjoy that ritual.  That's the kind of woman I want to be, but there's no one right way.  Whatever way you choose, as long as its rooted in kindness toward yourself, is exactly what you should be doing.  Whatever it is, its beautiful.