When I was 12, and starting middle school, my mom took me to the Clinique counter at the mall to get some makeup. I got a two palette eye color set in neutral tan/brown colors, and some tinted lip gloss. Those two items probably cost $50, God bless my mom. She impressed on my young heart that less was more, and a natural look was the way to go. And I believed her until the summer between 6th and 7th grade when my sister and I started watching The Young and The Restless. Before I was introduced to Lauralee Bell circa 1995.
Behold:
There were three things about Ms. Bell's appearance that fascinated me.
1. Her hair color was the same throughout. Most people have highlights and lowlights, but her hair was the exact same shade of blond on the top and bottom, highest and lowest layers.
2. She had very flawless, tan skin. I realize now that this was achieved with a combination of lighting and heavy stage makeup that was probably airbrushed on.
3. She had very full, expertly lined lips. Lip liner was big in those days, and thanks to her, I became obsessed with it.
Our nanny heard of a drug store that was going out of business, and all of its makeup was on sale for $1. She took my sister and me, and our allowance money, and we stocked up. I bought the thickest tannest cake foundation $1 could buy me, and lots of dark lip liner and slightly less dark lipstick to go with it. The lip liner was sort of a coppery brown color, I remember. And so there I was, the discount dime store 13 year old version of a soap opera character. I wish I had pictures, but as my sister is fond of reminding me, I looked batshit crazy.
In the 8th grade, a girl I didn't really like anyway, who had no real social filter, told me that she and her friends made fun of my dark lip liner behind my back. And that ended my love affair with makeup, basically until right now.
I didn't wear makeup in high school or college, except on special occasions. I did my own makeup at my first wedding, and you could tell in the photos. I hate foundation, and I think mascara feels like tar. Fiberlashes are all the rage these days, but because the fibers can stick on any which way, I tend to think the resulting spider eyes make people look insane. I'm a makeup phobic, I guess.
As I got older though, I figured it was important to try and do something about my face. At various points in my adult life, I have recognized that I am whitey white white and am going to age like an alligator bag. So, I have adopted a ritual with sunscreen and kept it up for different periods of time, only to drop it until the next time I remember skin cancer is real.
I was not blessed with the world's greatest eyebrows. Left on their own, they would resemble Bert's from Bert and Ernie:
The lotion has glitter in it, so as to brighten the skin. The clear eyes are because my eyes seem to get a little irritated by all this new found stuff I am putting on them, and the tweezers are for my eyebrows, which I have gotten kind of intense about as time has gone on. And the nipple nibblers...
Have you ever heard of lip venom? It was a thing about ten years ago. It used menthol to stimulate blood flow and bring the blood to the surface, plumping lips and making them darker. This, technically, is meant for nipples, but its all the same thing essentially. This makes my lips fuller, and adds a little color. Its shiny, and it tastes like cake, which is also nice when you aren't eating carbs. I do keep it in my desk drawer though, because that would be kind of hard to explain.
Last night I was in the bathroom taking off my makeup when my oldest wandered in and asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was taking makeup off, he said, "you wear makeup?!?! But you look exactly the same!" I didn't know if that was a compliment, or if I needed to go in search of Lauralee's airbrush spackle. He asked if he could try putting some makeup on me, which was hilarious, and I wish I had pictures. He did pretty well for never having done it before. I feel like it may be too later in the game for me to really learn about makeup, but maybe he can figure it out. In the mean time, if anyone can recommend a mascara that doesn't feel like it should be combined with small rocks to make blacktop for roads, please feel free to let me know.
Behold:
There were three things about Ms. Bell's appearance that fascinated me.
1. Her hair color was the same throughout. Most people have highlights and lowlights, but her hair was the exact same shade of blond on the top and bottom, highest and lowest layers.
2. She had very flawless, tan skin. I realize now that this was achieved with a combination of lighting and heavy stage makeup that was probably airbrushed on.
3. She had very full, expertly lined lips. Lip liner was big in those days, and thanks to her, I became obsessed with it.
Our nanny heard of a drug store that was going out of business, and all of its makeup was on sale for $1. She took my sister and me, and our allowance money, and we stocked up. I bought the thickest tannest cake foundation $1 could buy me, and lots of dark lip liner and slightly less dark lipstick to go with it. The lip liner was sort of a coppery brown color, I remember. And so there I was, the discount dime store 13 year old version of a soap opera character. I wish I had pictures, but as my sister is fond of reminding me, I looked batshit crazy.
In the 8th grade, a girl I didn't really like anyway, who had no real social filter, told me that she and her friends made fun of my dark lip liner behind my back. And that ended my love affair with makeup, basically until right now.
I didn't wear makeup in high school or college, except on special occasions. I did my own makeup at my first wedding, and you could tell in the photos. I hate foundation, and I think mascara feels like tar. Fiberlashes are all the rage these days, but because the fibers can stick on any which way, I tend to think the resulting spider eyes make people look insane. I'm a makeup phobic, I guess.
As I got older though, I figured it was important to try and do something about my face. At various points in my adult life, I have recognized that I am whitey white white and am going to age like an alligator bag. So, I have adopted a ritual with sunscreen and kept it up for different periods of time, only to drop it until the next time I remember skin cancer is real.
I was not blessed with the world's greatest eyebrows. Left on their own, they would resemble Bert's from Bert and Ernie:
Yep, that's about right.
Middle school was also when I was first informed that I had a unibrow. I was sure I didn't want that, so I started shaving down the middle to create two. And then I thought maybe I should put some arches in there somewhere. So I tried to create some:
A little severe
About six years ago, I met Kristine Kay (stop what you're doing and google her- you're welcome) and she changed my life. And she gave me normal person eyebrows:
But that was still as far as it went. After I had Asher, thing kind of went downhill. Why do any hair or makeup to go to work. I was just a schlemp. And then I got pregnant with Halo, and it didnt help matters any. I'm not a makeup person. I hate the feel of it on my face, and in fact once got up in the middle of a Mary Kay party and just walked out. I didn't even feel bad about it.
I see a million commercials a day for mascara that lengthens and thickens, blahblahblah, but was people really need to do is have their lashes lifted:
This is a picture that the great Kristine Kay (seriously, have you googled her yet???) took of me before and after lifting and tinting my eyelashes. I don't have a speck of makeup on in that picture, not one drop of mascara. She basically gave my eyelashes a perm and dyed them black. I would do it all the time, except you have to keep your eyes totally closed for about 30-40 minutes while the solution is on, and I got claustrophia and panicked. So, unfortunately, I'd probably have to be drugged and put under to get this done ever again. But if you can stand to have your eyes closed that long, let me please recommend it. It is so, so much better than any mascara could ever be. No gunk.
Time has continued to march on, and march right across my face. My grandmother left me the bags under her eyes that come with dark circles, so I look perpetually tired and haggard. And for a long time, I was perpetually tired and haggard and didn't care to do anything about it.
About a month or so ago, I decided to wear makeup to work. I have no idea what motivated it. I did my hair too. And wore clothes to work with no spit up on them. And high heels. I love my heels. And I went into work, and I think pretty much everyone I worked with commented on it.
So, I did it again the next day. And people were like, "why are you wearing makeup? Whats the special occasion? Gosh, you look nice." And I realized that I must usually look like the troll working under the bridge. And while I am sure I am one of the finer trolls working today, I decided that maybe, at 33, its time to get a little help and put some makeup on.
I did get some tinted moisturizer (with sunscreen) which is as close as I can get to any kind of foundation. I got some powder, blush, eyeshadow, mascara, the whole nine. No eyeliner, because I'm not that cool. A lot of it is from e.l.f. (www.eyeslipsface.com) because it allows me to play with makeup without a big financial commitment. Because its fun to play with, but I still don't really understand what I am doing. I keep my makeup in a cloth bag that used to house breast pump accessories. So, I guess you could say its getting pretty serious... (in my Kip Dynamite voice.)
I even keep a stash of the most important stuff IN my desk now:
The lotion has glitter in it, so as to brighten the skin. The clear eyes are because my eyes seem to get a little irritated by all this new found stuff I am putting on them, and the tweezers are for my eyebrows, which I have gotten kind of intense about as time has gone on. And the nipple nibblers...
Have you ever heard of lip venom? It was a thing about ten years ago. It used menthol to stimulate blood flow and bring the blood to the surface, plumping lips and making them darker. This, technically, is meant for nipples, but its all the same thing essentially. This makes my lips fuller, and adds a little color. Its shiny, and it tastes like cake, which is also nice when you aren't eating carbs. I do keep it in my desk drawer though, because that would be kind of hard to explain.
Last night I was in the bathroom taking off my makeup when my oldest wandered in and asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was taking makeup off, he said, "you wear makeup?!?! But you look exactly the same!" I didn't know if that was a compliment, or if I needed to go in search of Lauralee's airbrush spackle. He asked if he could try putting some makeup on me, which was hilarious, and I wish I had pictures. He did pretty well for never having done it before. I feel like it may be too later in the game for me to really learn about makeup, but maybe he can figure it out. In the mean time, if anyone can recommend a mascara that doesn't feel like it should be combined with small rocks to make blacktop for roads, please feel free to let me know.
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